Peach pie moist like a French vagina

I'm being way too vulgar here but there is no other way to describe it.

Peach pie moist like a French vagina

Ok, saying it’s “moist like a French vagina” is sexist and uncalled for. Rather, it’s moist like any nationality of vaginal or penile secretion. The crust is all crusty and flaky and nice whereas the filling is liquid. How liquid depends on how much agar agar you add. I’m keeping it very liquid, like those fast-food apple pies that burn your tongue.

Instructions from France

The dough

  • 6 dl of flour
  • 250 g of butter
  • 1 teaspoon of salt
  • 1 tablespoon of sugar
  • 6 tablespoons of ice water (or a little more if needed)
  1. Mix salt, sugar and flour in a bowl
  2. Dice the butter and mix with the dry mix. Use your fingers and just squeeze it over and over again until the flour mix has a sand like texture. Have you ever made scones? Well, that way.
  3. Put some ice cubes in the water to keep it cold. Add a little water at a time, and incorporate it with the flour and butter mix. Why cold? Because you don’t want the butter to melt! When the dough comes together, don’t add any more water. You want a hard ball of dough that you cut into two. So… Two balls of dough!
  4. Wrap the dough balls in plastic and put them in the refrigerator for at least an hour
Peach filling poured into the pie crust

The filing

  • 5 kg of peaches
  • 1 vanilla pod
  • Half a stick of cinnamon
  • 3 dl of sugar
  • 2 tablespoons of agar agar (you can use gelatine, but it gives a somewhat different texture when it sets, more of a gelatinous thing… derived from the word gelatine… so… yeah)
  • Two pinches of salt
  • Juice from half a lemon
  1. Peel the peaches and cut them into nice chunks.
  2. Put them in a sieve over a saucepan and sprinkle with salt and sugar and coat them with it by stirring them around
  3. The peaches will release liquid into the saucepan.
  4. Now, set the peaches aside
  5. As for the liquid in the saucepan, cut the vanilla pod in half and scrape its content out. Put the content as well as the pod halves into the liquid. Add half a cinnamon stick. And the lemon juice.
  6. Boil the liquid until about half evaporates.
  7. Add agar-agar and make sure it dissolves
  8. Remove the cinnamon stick and the vanilla pod, and mix the now reduced liquid with the peaches
The top nicesly attached

The assembly and baking

  • Peach filling
  • Two cold dough balls
  • Milk
  • Pine nuts
  1. Set oven to 180 degrees C.
  2. Roll the dough balls into two somewhat round and thin (about 0,5 cm) pizzas
  3. Place on of them in a pie tin. A pro tip here… Roll it up on the rolling pin and roll it out over the pie tin.
  4. Use your fingers to push the pie dough down onto the pie tin, up on the edges. Cut of excess dough and use it to fill in any holes you might have created because you suck at handling the dough!
  5. Now, some would add weights (e.g. beans) and prebake the bottom half of the pie. I don’t do that because I’m lazy and I don’t really think the bottom is that soggy from not doing it. So I just pour the peach filling in here.
  6. For the top layer, I sprinkle some pine nuts on top and push them in by rolling the ruling pin over it. No need to but I like them. Now put the top layer on top, and make sure to seal it nicely.
  7. Smear the whole top with fat milk. Why? Because it gives a nice feel to it.
  8. Into the oven, and let it bake for about 75 minutes. If it’s too brown before you reach 75 minutes, put some tin foil on top to protect it from direct heat.
  9. Take the pie out and let it cool so that the agar agar sets. Remember, it’s still liquid (unless you added more, then you’ll have a firmer texture)
  10. Meanwhile, whip some cream. No need to add sugar, just whip it as is. The pie is sweet enough
  11. Serve!

Crisp on top.

Soft inside.