Cherry pie that hardens penises

I hate dry pies. I assumed everyone does, but if that's so, why do people keep making dry pies? A perfect crust doesn't mean you can neglect the inside. A beautiful human being must still perform in other areas. A good dick is one thing, but what it's attached to is also important. So please make a lot of filling and make it moist and amazing. The ratio here is amazingly high, and I love it that way. Speaking of dicks... This pie will harden any penis out there that likes pies. It yields about 8-10 portions.

The method is important. Keep everything chilled to get a perfect flaky crust.

For this recipe, you'll obviously need an oven. But you'll also need...

• A cake pan with high detatchable sides, the kind usually used for spongecakes.
• Ice
• Aluminum foil

The dough

• 370 g of butter
• 485 g of all purpose flour
• 170 g of ice cold water (100 grams in liquid form and 70 gram in a solid state that will slowly melt)
• 6 grams of salt

The method is very important.

1. Dice the butter and put the dices back into the refrigerator to keep them cool.
2. Mix flour and salt.
3. Measure the water and ice, and let it be. It will melt and be ready to use in a moment.
4. In a stand mixer, mix the cold butter with the flour mix, until it'a corse like sand/heroin rather than moist and sticky like hashish. A stand mixer is most effective but you can use a bowl and your hands, but your body heat will mess it up. Or a bowl and a fork, but it takes longer so that will mess it up unless your kitchen is very cold.
5. Now incorporate your ice cold water, until it's a cold dough.
6. Divide dough into two pieces, one larger than the other. About 70/30. Form two pucks. Cover with plastic wrap or just put them in a plastic bag each, and into the refrigerator for at least an hour.

The filling

• 750 g of cherries
• 270 g of sugar
• 20 ml of vanilla extract (I make my own by mixing two vanilla pods with 3 dl of vodka, and let it sit for at least a month. But you can buy it if you need it immediately)
• 30 g of potato starch (or cornstarch)
• 5 g of salt
• Juice from half a lemon

1. Pit all the cherries. The easy way is using a pitter. The time consuming way is by using a paperclip or a straw.
2. Pour some water into a large saucepan and place a colander on top of it. Pour all cherries into the colander and place the construction on the stovetop. Bring the water to a boil to steam the cherries. They will  retain their texture this way. Instead of boiling them into a marmelade, we don't want that.
3. Sprinkle the salt on the cherries. We want salt in here to enhance the sweetness but also because it helps extract moisture from the cherries.
4. Give it 15 minutes and you're done steaming.
5. Take a saucepan or something, and press the cherries to extract more liquid into the bottom saucepan. Now remove the cherries ans colander and set aside.
6. Look into your large/bottom saucepan and you'll see there's a lot of juice mixed with the initial water. Add the sugar into it, and bring to a boil.
7. Stir constantly and you'll end up with a thick syrup. Turn off the heat.
8. Squeeze half a lemon into a glass. Add the potato starch, mix with a spoon and make sure it dissolves completely.
9. Furiously whip the cherry syrup while carefully pouring in the starch mix. If you don't whip it while doing it, you'll end up with nasty lumps.
10. Add the cherries and combine.
11. Sometimes there's a little too much liquid left in the cherries. You can test that you've added the right proportion of starch by taking some of the juice, place it on a plate and microwave it for 30-60 seconds. It should thicken completely, like a paste.

Final steps

• Dough
• Some flour for rolling the dough
• Filling
• 40 g of sugar
• An egg mixed with 2 dl of milk for "milk washing".

1. Set oven to 210 C.
2. Roll the large dough on a floured surface, into a thickness of about 0,5 cm.
3. Place it into the cake pan. Make sure it goes all the way up and over the edge. Just trim the excess a little to even out the rim, but leave a lot of dough up there.
4. Cover cake pan and place it back into the refrigerator to firm up the dough again. One hour.
5. One hour later, roll the small dough into the same thickness.
6. Pour all of the filling into the bottom dough and cover with the top dough.
7. Ok, time to seal. Watch the video to see what I mean... pinch the sides together. You'll end up with a very large thick rim. Now fold that rim down over the edge of the cakepan and press it hard against the edge of the cake pan. This will seal it and, at the same time, you'll remove excess dough without using a knife.
8. Milk wash the whole top of the pie with you egg and milk mix.
9. Sprinkle sugar evenly across the pie. This will caramelise and give it a nice crust.
10. Into the oven for 25 minutes.
11. Meanwhile, cut stripes of aluminum foil to cover th edges of the pie after 25 minutes. The edges are brown and ready first, and by covering them, they won't burn.
12. After covering the edges, bake the pie for another 25 minutes until the whole pie is brown and nice.
13. Let cool for two hours so the filling sets. Don't cover it meanwhile, that will just make it soggy.
14. Open the sides of the cake pan and you have a pie.
15. Serve with some whipped cream.